This one needs a preface: In 1996 I switched from being employed by one company to being employed by another with which they had close business dealings. During a discussion with the head of the first company, a VP of the second company said of a particular issue, "And we must be right, because Doug agrees with us!".

And the head of the first company said, "Yes, but that's because you've brainwashed him."

So I sent her a nice letter, which she read out at the next company staff meeting.

Incidentally, everything in it is literally true; even the stuff about the fabric softener and the turtles.

i am doug.
i am very happy here.
i would like to say that i have not been brainwashed.
i am very happy here.
it is very nice.
i am here in the tech area, sitting on my twirly whirly chair on the
concrete floor.
yesterday dave asked me to spray the entire office with fabric softener.
now it feels soft and cuddly.
i have not been brainwashed.
i am very happy here.
today i went down to the site, to install matt's new featureful and bug-free software. i told all the site staff about jason's wonderful new bug-free upgrades. they were very happy. they have not been brainwashed.

they are very kind to me here.
they let me stay late at night, so i can work longer.
this makes me very happy.
but sometimes late at night i have to be careful, because the turtles come out and move around inside the building, and i am afraid that they will see me. i made a sign for our door that said "beware of the turtles". i showed it to everyone. they all thought it was very good. i am very happy here. i have not been brainwashed.
god bless america.